Number 6

I was at the gym this morning, in this strange room, stretching (it's strange because it used to be a racquetball or handball court, so it has a really tall ceiling and a really tiny door)-- it's the "stretching room"-- lying on my back, looking up at the ceiling, far away. All of a sudden, this huge rubber ball came rolling over by me. I guess someone was using it for exercise or stretching, and it got away from them. It really started me. For a minute I felt like I was in that TV show, "The Prisoner."

I'm Not Gay!

I know that I have long hair, but that's kind of a throwback to the hippie days. I know I used to hate hippies, but now I'm down with them. But the long hair doesn't mean that I'm a transvestite or transexual, or cross-dresser or anything. I know I spend a lot of time at the gym, but that doesn't mean I'm gay. Even though the Village People had that song YMCA. They had a song In The Navy, too, and less than half the guys in the Navy, I would guess, are gay. I used to wear a little eyeliner, but that was because I played in punk rock bands and and that's just what we did. I know I'm not doing much for my case here. If I was gay, I would certainly just say so, right? You can ask my ex-girlfriends if I'm gay. No, wait, maybe you better not.

B.T.F...

...stands for... Bring the firepower? Better to forget? Bacon, tofu, and fava beans? None of the above. It's Bally Total Fitness. I joined there, not three months after quitting at the YMCA. I have my reasons, none of them good. Mostly, though, I found out they have a pool, with open swim times (all the time, the whole time they're open!) and it's cheaper than the Y, and this particular branch is only three blocks from my house.

Nothing against the Y. I quit there because I just got tired of it, and also because the best thing there was the running track, but my knees have gotten so I just can't run at all. I'm giving up running for good. That's okay, it's just another thing to say good-bye to.

So I was figuring that I would exercise by walking, which I do every day anyway, and also by doing sit-ups and push-ups every day. If I was in solitary confinement in a six foot square cell, I would do sit-ups and push-ups to stay in shape. The thing is, I'm not in such a cell. In the wide open, wild, free open prairie where I live, sit-ups and push-ups are torture, the worst things ever, almost, nearly as bad as trying to write a synopsis or sitting in a bar with techno music playing.

But because my newly found Orson Welles proportion girth, due to the Pick’n’Save now selling frozen rice crust pizza, and the Gluten-free Trading Post carrying wheat free maple donuts, and Frito pie, and Salmon on a stick at the new market down here (I'm not kidding) and El Rey tamales, well, I realized I would have to either lose weight or have to buy new pants. And buying new pants means having James Franklin's mom buy me 501 jeans in San Bernardino and mailing them here, because they don't sell 501 jeans in the state of Wisconsin.

I never thought I would go to ANY kind of health club ever, and now I've gone to two different ones in the same town! It kind of freaks me out, actually, but I make it easier on myself by thinking of the lyrics of that Tommy Roe song, "Jack and Jill." "Health clubs are overcrowded with young men..." Of course there is also a line about mini-skirts in that songs. What's next? Maybe I'll buy a car! Will it be a sports car, a hot rod, a Cadillac, or a Jeep?

Super Bowl

Okay, I made a quick stop at the "Metro Mart" for half and half on my way to the office. I like that name, for a product, Half and Half, what else has a name like that? But I don't like being addicted to it. Every new years I make a resolution to only drink black coffee, but that lasts like a month, two weeks, and then it's back to cream, milk, whatever. This year I didn't even make the attempt. I don't know, maybe THAT'S progress.

So, in this particular store they have hidden the quarts of milk all the way into a tight closet size corner for some reason, like it's condoms or something, or Robitussin. Nearly every time I go there I have to wait for someone picking out their damn quart of half and half, checking all the dates, you know. On this morning, there is like NO ONE else in the grocery store, but there's a woman in this phone booth size cubby hole, picking up one after another quart, looking at it, while talking on her cell phone. Maybe checking with her husband, reading the dates to him, seeing if he approves. I stood and waited for her. Then another guy came up and didn't have the patience to wait for her so he pushed in, grabbed a quart. The woman realized that TWO people were waiting for her and scurried away like a cockroach, if you can imagine a cockroach talking on a cell phone. THEN the MAN started looking at EVERY quart, lifting up his sunglasses, while I waited. I very nearly, then, pushed his head through the glass cooler door. I don't know why, maybe it's these dreams I've been having. But I contained myself, grabbed a quart, and marched to the cash register where another woman was buying a pint of orange juice with a credit card.