CLUB MED

I went early to the YMCA to swim, too crowded as usual, but the worst thing, the lifeguard is playing CLUB MUSIC. First of all, I don't want to hear ANY music while I'm exercising (unless it's my own, via headphones, but you know, you can't do that in a pool!). But I ESPECIALLY don't want to hear club music, with it's thumping, over-prevalent, mechanical base and soulless doodling.

I didn't put on a gold chain and half a bottle of aftershave and slip the doorman $100, I'm at the YMCA! There are no topless dancers and strobe lights, this is a pool! I'm not snorting coke off some silicone tits and pounding double Four Horsemen, I just want to swim some healthy laps! I didn't start the morning with Ecstasy and I'm not slipping GHB into some 16-year-old's drink, I'm wearing a swim cap for god's sake! I'm not trying to snap pictures of wasted celebrities for my other blog, I'm just trying to swim some quiet fucking laps here!

Sundy Brunch

So, I went to the gym this morning, the pool... a bit warm, crowded, a lot of people... but okay... but then I got a whole mouthful of water... and swallowed most of it! And I'm thinking, that was just like taking a mouthful of cold human soup. That's what it would taste like! And not too good. If this was a restaurant, I'd give it 5 starts for ambiance, probably 3 stars for service, but for the food... no stars. If you can imagine... kind of like a light cucumber soup more than a borscht, fortunately. But then as I swam more and the pool got more crowded, I got another mouthful, and I'm thinking, this time it's more like an under-spiced gazpacho. Which really kind of grossed me out, but I wanted to keep swimming. But then... another mouthful, and this time, I don't know about the flavor, really, but it had the texture and sensation of an under-chilled vichyssoise... and that was the last straw. I had to get out of the pool.

More Fruit Flavored Candy at the Gym

Back to the gym, after a little rest. I like to work out hard, and then rest. Rest is important. Hard workout, then rest 33 days, repeat. So today I'm in the stretching room and there are other colors of exercise balls, so they no longer resemble lemon drops but rather big, ugly, rubber balls. Then I noticed a light blue object that looked like someone left behind... it was a rolled up yoga mat, a fairly thin one. I am constantly seeing women walking around with these things, but never men. I know men do yoga, too...  do they do it on the hard floor? Do they borrow yoga mats at the yoga place?

So... I thought I could easily take the yoga mat, to be my own, but then I figured someone probably left it and will be returning for it. So I was going to forget about it, but something was bothering me. What was it? This yoga mat reminded me of some kind of food... some kind of candy, specifically. Oh, right, it reminded me of those thin, fruity things, that are rolled up... what are those called?

When I got home, thanks to the Internet I was able to look up a search... so I wouldn't have to bother anyone with this. I typed: "really flat, fruity food rolled up," or something like that, and I was immediately rewarded with results: Fruit Roll-Ups! Of course. Kind of boring, I guess. At least in the UK they're called "Fruit Winders," which is a little more interesting. A similar product is "Fruit by the Foot" which kind of creeps me out because it makes me think that the fruit gets flattened by stepping on it.

It's All True

Too long since I've been at the gym, and I'm reaching Wellesian proportions, so it was back to the YMCA this morning. Everything was pretty much the same EXCEPT there was something odd about the big room where they hold classes, yoga, etc., and you can go to stretch when it's not being used. One wall is entirely covered with a mirror, and as I was doing jumping jacks and wondering if it was maybe a FUNHOUSE mirror-- I'm not THAT wide, yet, am I?-- I noticed what was odd. Behind me there was a huge rack holding those big exercise balls, kind of like the one that comes out of the water in THE PRISONER. Usually those things are various colors, but for some reason, now they were ALL YELLOW! And they looked to me like nothing if not GIANT LEMON DROP CANDY!

The weird thing about this, looking in the mirror as I jumped up and down in front of these giant lemon drops, I suddenly had the feeling that I had been SHRUNK... like The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957)-- or smaller! Then I thought about how the YMCA has the PUNS working overtime ("We're Here For Good," "You Already Belong Here," "It's Personal") so maybe this was their new campaign to make people feel like they were "reducing,"

Interpretation of Dylan at the Gym

So I was at the YMCA working out (been goin' here since the beginning of the year) and my new thing is using an actual POD to listen to music. I tried EARBUDS, but they freaked me out, so I switched to cheap headphones, which is great. I'm pretty much restricted to the Life Fitness Elliptical Trainer because of my arthritic knees, but that is great. In a half hour you get a good workout and sweat a lot.

Anyway, today I was on the machine, following my progress using a graphic of a little mountain which I was making my way up and across (you have the choice between a running track, a mountain, and some kind of landscape that looks like desert island-- this is on a screen in front of you that tells our heart rate and how many calories you've burned, etc.) In my weakass state, I can only climb the mountain like two and a half times in a half hour. So anyway, I'm going along while listening to Bob Dylan's "Idiot Wind," and it got to the part that says, "You'll find out when you reach the top, you're on the bottom." I always wondered what that meant, and TODAY, just as he said that line, my little graphic reached the top of the mountain and then started again at the bottom!

All these years, I've loved that song but wondered what it was about. Now I know it's referring to the Life Fitness Elliptical Trainer! Bob probably wrote the song while working out on one of these things! I may contact the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame about this. Very exciting!