Friday 13 October 11:20pm

Here’s a statistic: it’s estimated that 150,000 Americans will stay home from work on a Friday the 13th out of superstitious fear. If that got your attention, sorry. I made that up. I mean, I’m sure somebody is staying home. You know, you can just make that stuff up and say it’s true. I just measured my dreads, they’re exactly 13 inches long. I have 13 illegitimate children by 13 different women, and they live in 13 different states. I’ve had 13 nervous breakdowns. It’s 13 degrees outside, and worse, 13 degrees inside. I’m at my office, but they turn the heat off on Friday night because you’re supposed to be in a bar like a normal person. One in 13 Milwaukeeans will drink 13 drinks tonight and end up driving the #13 bus through the pedestrian tunnel.

Most people will say they’re not superstitious, but they actually are, but in some weird way that you’d never expect. I can’t think of any examples right now. You should wear slightly mismatched socks when you get married. You should eat eggs benedict the morning you’re taking your SAT’s. Stuff like that.

What’s fun is introducing new superstitious behavior on people. I won’t let someone answer a phone while a church bell is ringing. I tell my friends that they’ll become impotent if they talk on cell phones while drinking sangria or planter’s punch. Today, I was out at a public building, and I saw someone do the thing that REALLY irritates me: punch the handicapped door open button to open a door rather than just opening the door. I don’t know why, but that really drives me crazy. So I told this person, “You shouldn’t open the door that way, it’s bad luck. People who do that end up with a rare disease that makes their head puff up like a Mylar balloon." You’ve got to tell people stuff that makes no sense-- that really scares them.

Okay, I’ve got to go, I’ve got 40 minutes to get out to the casino. No one is playing anything today, and at midnight everyone goes nuts and starts betting again. The casino, being so appreciative of this, hands out free champagne to everyone! Cheers!