(should be called) Treat or Trick

Halloween, we used to go around at NIGHT in our neighborhood, and anyone who didn’t answer their door would get their windows soaped… does anyone do that anymore? As we got older we advanced to paraffin, instead of soap, and then we would paraffin screens instead of windows—much harder to remove. These days that would be considered vandalism, if not terrorism, and kids would do time. Kids don’t trick or treat at night, anyway, only in the afternoon, with parents. I went trough a neighborhood on Sunday afternoon, not even late, like mid-afternoon, and there were parents driving along in their CARS, the kids running from the car to the house. I guess when I was little there were no crackhouses in our neighborhood, (though there were some pretty questionable, pervy, shady characters) but I’m wondering if in my lifetime someone will FINALLY figure out that SUGAR is kid crack. Probably not. I’m just hearing on the radio right now about this big tobacco lawsuit, and how very recently the tobacco companies were still claiming that nicotine wasn’t addictive, so I doubt that we’re going to see anyone going against the much bigger and more powerful corn syrup mob anytime soon.

I kind of forgot about it being Halloween today, it’s bad when it comes on a Tuesday, people have Halloween parties all weekend, and by today, who cares. Maybe I’ll see some people who are required by their jobs to wear costumes to work, that’s always funny. Anyway, I like getting up early to work on stuff at home, and in the past I’ve often lived near a convenience store or coffee shop, open early in the morning, where I could sometimes walk to for coffee or something to eat to help me get started, rather than going directly from bed to my computer. In the neighborhood I live in now, however, at some point before I lived here, someone had the bright idea to outlaw the sales of cheap wine and 40 ounce bottles of beer, supposedly to keep the “bad elements” from the neighborhood. Without being able to sell those items, convenience stores can’t exist, it would be like not allowing them to sell cigarettes or lottery tickets. So there are no convenience stores in my neighborhood, which is, really, the only thing I don’t like about my neighborhood. So recently I got the idea that I could walk out to the Pick’n’Save, which is only three blocks from my house. When I was little I used to shop at the Pick’N’PAY, with my mom. Things have gotten better: now instead of going to the grocery store and dispensing with a handful of cash, I use a credit card and SAVE.

So my idea is that I can go to the grocery store, not to get coffee, which I’d rather make at home, but something I need anyway (there’s always something) and just walk around in there a minute, look at the bakery section, all the doughnuts. I would love to be able to get donuts in the morning, I love the idea of donuts, but I am gluten-intolerant, can’t eat wheat, can’t eat donuts. And, of course, I’m better off not eating doughnuts, but it’s fun to look at them and smell the bakery and look at the people buying boxes of donuts for their office. So on this particular day, Halloween, I walked around until I had enough, determined that this store is going down the drain. They opened ANOTHER Pick’n’Save, (Called the “Metro Mart”—though they're all owned by Roundy’s) geared for a younger, condo dwelling clientele, only five blocks from here, and this one seems to have been conceded to a “fuck you” attitude, which is weird, because it’s not like it’s any cheaper. If you have a car, you would likely go to a store with more and better choices of food and decent produce, or a store that’s cheaper. Maybe this store is for the people who just always went here, like me, or who are in the immediate neighborhood. Anyway, it’s gotten pretty depressing.

I looked at the donuts, a surprisingly meager display, actually, then got a few things I needed and got in line. About eight a.m., and only two check-out people are working, which wouldn’t be so bad except that there are TONS of people here, some clearly on their way to work, possibly being made late by the long line, cranky, stressed out. Some people only buying a newspaper, some with shopping carts full. Everyone buying cigarettes, for which the check-out person has to walk all the way across the front of the store and get the cigarettes from a glassed-in cigarette area. It’s just a bad scene overall, no one is smiling, everyone miserable. I get up to the check-out, and the woman in front of me gets cigarettes, a lot of Kool-Aid, some other food, and a giant orange pumpkin-head cake. Then she buys a new scratch-off lottery card, which requires instruction from the check-out woman. I am next, hand the check-out woman my discount card which they always act is like a huge imposition at this particular store, then wait for her, she doesn’t check my food though, says, “$7.99.” “What?” I say. She repeats, “$7.99.” I’m confused, she hasn’t even scanned my food yet! What’s going on? Then I notice she had put the pumpkin-head cake in a bag, and rung that up. The woman in front of me forgot her cake! Didn’t pay for it, and despite those little sticks that we put between the items, a massive mix up! “Oh, that’s not mine, I say... That’s the woman’s!” I look out at the parking lot, she’s already long gone. “She’s going to come back for her cake,” I say and laugh, but the check-out woman looks at me like I’m trying to pull off some scam. The people in the long line behind me shift their weight and sigh audibly, I look back at them, the angry, impatient faces. Suddenly I am a criminal! I’m trying to scam a Halloween pumpkin-head orange cake. My plan isn’t working and all I’ve done is inconvenience everyone. The check-out woman angrily scans my food, I pay for it, and leave quickly, before the mob starts hurling broken electronic equipment at me (that’s the new method for “stoning” someone to death, in case you haven’t heard!) I think next time I should make a point of being content to simply walk through the store and observe, smell the bakery, look at the donuts, then slip out, unseen.