I Just Wanted To Watch That Dumb Video You Sent

I just wanted to watch that dumb video you sent, you know, the funny one about the cat who is acting like Hitler? He doesn’t know he’s acting like Hitler, of course, because he’s a cat, and I didn’t think it was that funny because Nazis aren’t really that funny, or maybe they are, but I think it compromises the dignity of a cat to suggest he looks like Hitler because cats would never do something like commit genocide. Or maybe they would—I mean, eat humans, if they were big enough—maybe it’s just a question of scale—but I’m sure MY cat wouldn’t eat me. Maybe the cat that hangs out by the trash cans would eat me. But regardless, cats wouldn’t discriminate according to race or beliefs, though maybe they would discriminate according to taste, since as we all know, cats can be discriminating eaters. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about at all...

I couldn’t even PLAY the dumb video you sent where the cat is acting like Hitler because my WEB BROWSER no longer supported YOUTUBE, where the video was being HOSTED. It said I needed to download a new web browser (for free), so I attempted to, but then I found out that my OPERATING SYSTEM does not support the new web browser and I needed to download a new operating system (NOT free) which I tried, but was unable to because I didn’t have enough RAM or SCRAM, so I figured it was time to go to the computer store and take up this matter with someone at the Genius Bar. When I bought this computer, I complained, a few years ago, the sales guy said that “Those NASA boys sure wished they had this bad boy when they were working on the Moon launch, instead of slide rules and Texas Instrument calculators.” He promised it would be relevant at least until we colonize Mars. The guy at the Genus Bar told me that was just sales talk, and what I needed to do was add more DDR SDRAM, though that might be difficult because my DIMM was being occupied by a SPY MODULE and KEYSTROKE LOGGER that had most likely been installed by the men in trench coats I discovered in my apartment that day who claimed to be exterminators sent by the landlord and had to open up my computer because cockroaches liked to live in there because of the luxury of the heat generated, as well as a fan. Though I thought cockroaches liked food and water, I didn’t argue. They WERE carrying cans of RAID (as well as side arms), so I didn’t worry about it again, but now I’m thinking that maybe this explains why every screenplay I write seems to wind up in Hollywood in a slightly dumbed-down form before I even have a chance to polish it. The man at the Genius Bar said he couldn’t remove the Spy Module because it was like removing those tags from a mattress, and he wanted to “keep his job in this economy.” He said that I needed a faster PROCESSOR anyway and suggested that I buy a NEW COMPUTER, which would solve all my problems, and I could even get a new printer for free (with a mail-in rebate) which I’d need because the new operating system wouldn’t support my old printer that works great (the only printer I’ve ever had that works great). If I still had credit cards I would have bought a new computer, but I recently filed for bankruptcy and all my credit cards were cancelled. So I lugged my old eMac home, and I think I developed a hernia (on the other side from the one I just had surgery for). It was not a good day, but then someone on a random street corner was handing out cards about working for the Census. Maybe I could fit in another job with my current $9 an hour job and make enough for a new computer. The Census job wouldn’t be permanent, of course, since they just do it every ten years, but that’s what got me thinking about trying to get a job with the CIA, since keeping an eye on people like me is a fulltime, permanent job. In fact, I could just keep an eye on myself (who better, I even know what I’m thinking) which would increase efficiency. Along with a POLYGRAPH test, they asked where I saw myself in 20 years time, and I said still trying to watch this funny cat who acts like Hitler video, thinking some humor might serve me well in the interview. Then I said, “You know how when you have a vacation... and when it’s over—on the morning you are going back to work—you say, ‘Where did that vacation go?’ I saw myself in 20 years time—if I was lucky to be alive—sleeping in a doorway or on the stairs to the subway, saying, ‘Where did my youth go? Where did my health go? Where did my life go?’” They then told me they required a college degree to work for CIA—though I could have lied about that because they never check—but no matter, because I didn’t pass the polygraph test. It seems that they had determined—using the polygraph test—that I was UNABLE to lie. And being able to lie was something they required for the work they were doing. I nodded, having to agree (I mean, what could I do? Lie and say I was able to lie, and actually WAS lying, and in fact was so good at it that I fooled the polygraph test? These thoughts had brought on a vicious MIGRAINE). So I just said thanks for your time and left, still carrying my eMac, until I could find a discarded grocery cart in someone’s trash with a compromised wheel, and I limped on home on my arthritic knees, thinking about how my whole problem was how I BELIEVED all the lies I’d ever been told—from the computer salesman all the way back to childhood, and the lies of history, and the lies about George Washington and the cherry tree, and sayings like, “Honesty is the best policy.” If I would have only been able to say, “Thanks for the funny video about that cat who is acting like Hitler, I watched it and it brightened my day!”—instead of going through all this that I had gone through trying to actually WATCH the video—I would still have this day—which is now over—in front of me. Because, you know, it’s the first day of the rest of my life.