(should be called) Treat or Trick

Halloween, we used to go around at NIGHT in our neighborhood, and anyone who didn’t answer their door would get their windows soaped… does anyone do that anymore? As we got older we advanced to paraffin, instead of soap, and then we would paraffin screens instead of windows—much harder to remove. These days that would be considered vandalism, if not terrorism, and kids would do time. Kids don’t trick or treat at night, anyway, only in the afternoon, with parents. I went trough a neighborhood on Sunday afternoon, not even late, like mid-afternoon, and there were parents driving along in their CARS, the kids running from the car to the house. I guess when I was little there were no crackhouses in our neighborhood, (though there were some pretty questionable, pervy, shady characters) but I’m wondering if in my lifetime someone will FINALLY figure out that SUGAR is kid crack. Probably not. I’m just hearing on the radio right now about this big tobacco lawsuit, and how very recently the tobacco companies were still claiming that nicotine wasn’t addictive, so I doubt that we’re going to see anyone going against the much bigger and more powerful corn syrup mob anytime soon.

I kind of forgot about it being Halloween today, it’s bad when it comes on a Tuesday, people have Halloween parties all weekend, and by today, who cares. Maybe I’ll see some people who are required by their jobs to wear costumes to work, that’s always funny. Anyway, I like getting up early to work on stuff at home, and in the past I’ve often lived near a convenience store or coffee shop, open early in the morning, where I could sometimes walk to for coffee or something to eat to help me get started, rather than going directly from bed to my computer. In the neighborhood I live in now, however, at some point before I lived here, someone had the bright idea to outlaw the sales of cheap wine and 40 ounce bottles of beer, supposedly to keep the “bad elements” from the neighborhood. Without being able to sell those items, convenience stores can’t exist, it would be like not allowing them to sell cigarettes or lottery tickets. So there are no convenience stores in my neighborhood, which is, really, the only thing I don’t like about my neighborhood. So recently I got the idea that I could walk out to the Pick’n’Save, which is only three blocks from my house. When I was little I used to shop at the Pick’N’PAY, with my mom. Things have gotten better: now instead of going to the grocery store and dispensing with a handful of cash, I use a credit card and SAVE.

So my idea is that I can go to the grocery store, not to get coffee, which I’d rather make at home, but something I need anyway (there’s always something) and just walk around in there a minute, look at the bakery section, all the doughnuts. I would love to be able to get donuts in the morning, I love the idea of donuts, but I am gluten-intolerant, can’t eat wheat, can’t eat donuts. And, of course, I’m better off not eating doughnuts, but it’s fun to look at them and smell the bakery and look at the people buying boxes of donuts for their office. So on this particular day, Halloween, I walked around until I had enough, determined that this store is going down the drain. They opened ANOTHER Pick’n’Save, (Called the “Metro Mart”—though they're all owned by Roundy’s) geared for a younger, condo dwelling clientele, only five blocks from here, and this one seems to have been conceded to a “fuck you” attitude, which is weird, because it’s not like it’s any cheaper. If you have a car, you would likely go to a store with more and better choices of food and decent produce, or a store that’s cheaper. Maybe this store is for the people who just always went here, like me, or who are in the immediate neighborhood. Anyway, it’s gotten pretty depressing.

I looked at the donuts, a surprisingly meager display, actually, then got a few things I needed and got in line. About eight a.m., and only two check-out people are working, which wouldn’t be so bad except that there are TONS of people here, some clearly on their way to work, possibly being made late by the long line, cranky, stressed out. Some people only buying a newspaper, some with shopping carts full. Everyone buying cigarettes, for which the check-out person has to walk all the way across the front of the store and get the cigarettes from a glassed-in cigarette area. It’s just a bad scene overall, no one is smiling, everyone miserable. I get up to the check-out, and the woman in front of me gets cigarettes, a lot of Kool-Aid, some other food, and a giant orange pumpkin-head cake. Then she buys a new scratch-off lottery card, which requires instruction from the check-out woman. I am next, hand the check-out woman my discount card which they always act is like a huge imposition at this particular store, then wait for her, she doesn’t check my food though, says, “$7.99.” “What?” I say. She repeats, “$7.99.” I’m confused, she hasn’t even scanned my food yet! What’s going on? Then I notice she had put the pumpkin-head cake in a bag, and rung that up. The woman in front of me forgot her cake! Didn’t pay for it, and despite those little sticks that we put between the items, a massive mix up! “Oh, that’s not mine, I say... That’s the woman’s!” I look out at the parking lot, she’s already long gone. “She’s going to come back for her cake,” I say and laugh, but the check-out woman looks at me like I’m trying to pull off some scam. The people in the long line behind me shift their weight and sigh audibly, I look back at them, the angry, impatient faces. Suddenly I am a criminal! I’m trying to scam a Halloween pumpkin-head orange cake. My plan isn’t working and all I’ve done is inconvenience everyone. The check-out woman angrily scans my food, I pay for it, and leave quickly, before the mob starts hurling broken electronic equipment at me (that’s the new method for “stoning” someone to death, in case you haven’t heard!) I think next time I should make a point of being content to simply walk through the store and observe, smell the bakery, look at the donuts, then slip out, unseen.

Hole Foods

Those who know me well know that there's nothing I'm more excited about than grocery stores so you can imagine my excitement and anxiety at visiting the new Milwaukee Whole Foods as I had heard those stories about people going into one of those places and never leaving. Soylent Green is people! All of that. The other warning is that you can easily be tricked into buying things you don't need that cost a lot of money.

I had a kind of surreal experience right off the bat, driving there in Joe Wong's Matrix, parking in the garage, slightly space age. Then, as I got out of the car, the music started, that familiar synthesizer intro to "Won't Get Fooled Again," which I thought, this is too much, too perfect, people won't even believe this. I went up the escalator, and as I reached the store the first thunderous power chords kicked in and then that song was my soundtrack for what seemed like way longer than the song actually is. The weirdest thing was that a few of the ceiling speakers in the store were slightly out of time with each other, so that you could stand in a certain spot and the song was out of phase, very trippy. That spot just happened to be in the extensive health food section, looking directly out at the even more extensive meat section. I counted at least 25 varieties of link sausage, more, I'm sure than have previously existed.

Anyway, I found a few good deals, the Brown Cow maple yogurt (which should have Ray Speen's picture on the container) that you can't find ANYWHERE, and cheap! That got me into a buying mood, and I went overboard, buying some kind of strange cheese that was just recently invented. They didn't even have a barcode for it, and the cheese lady was baffled. I got a quarter pound, lovingly placed in a little plastic shell, and the price sticker had ANOTHER cheese name on it, so I can't even tell you the name of this cheese, but you can smell it right through the refrigerator door.

I ended up being at the store for hours, checking out the Taqueria, the brick over Pizzeria, the Gelato bar, the Sushi bar, the little tea shop and lounge with free wireless internet whether you want it or not, the ten minute massage, pedicure, Feng-shui center, Green Bay Packers paraphernalia stand, food history Museum, recipe Library, Yoga studio, Lifestyle Enhancement School, Chapel, Chocolate Enrobing Fountain, and complete Sports Bar with wide screen HD TV and frosted mugs. It reminded me of Wall Drug more than anything else. I was a little disappointed at the lack of sleeping accommodations, however, but I put a request in the suggestion box and received an email reply 28 minutes later saying my idea was being carefully considered.

My major complaint is that I was suckered into picking up some impulse buys that I regretted later. While I resisted the organic natural vanilla marshmallow squares, I fell for the organic free-range Vienna sausages which taste just like any other Vienna sausages. And the worst thing was I bought a little 3 and 3/4 ounce jar of Stutgarter Gieshirltle jam, which I'd never seen anywhere before so I couldn't resist, and after I got home (paying with credit card and not being attentive) I saw that it cost FORTY DOLLARS. So, watch yourself with stuff like that.

Friday 13 October 11:20pm

Here’s a statistic: it’s estimated that 150,000 Americans will stay home from work on a Friday the 13th out of superstitious fear. If that got your attention, sorry. I made that up. I mean, I’m sure somebody is staying home. You know, you can just make that stuff up and say it’s true. I just measured my dreads, they’re exactly 13 inches long. I have 13 illegitimate children by 13 different women, and they live in 13 different states. I’ve had 13 nervous breakdowns. It’s 13 degrees outside, and worse, 13 degrees inside. I’m at my office, but they turn the heat off on Friday night because you’re supposed to be in a bar like a normal person. One in 13 Milwaukeeans will drink 13 drinks tonight and end up driving the #13 bus through the pedestrian tunnel.

Most people will say they’re not superstitious, but they actually are, but in some weird way that you’d never expect. I can’t think of any examples right now. You should wear slightly mismatched socks when you get married. You should eat eggs benedict the morning you’re taking your SAT’s. Stuff like that.

What’s fun is introducing new superstitious behavior on people. I won’t let someone answer a phone while a church bell is ringing. I tell my friends that they’ll become impotent if they talk on cell phones while drinking sangria or planter’s punch. Today, I was out at a public building, and I saw someone do the thing that REALLY irritates me: punch the handicapped door open button to open a door rather than just opening the door. I don’t know why, but that really drives me crazy. So I told this person, “You shouldn’t open the door that way, it’s bad luck. People who do that end up with a rare disease that makes their head puff up like a Mylar balloon." You’ve got to tell people stuff that makes no sense-- that really scares them.

Okay, I’ve got to go, I’ve got 40 minutes to get out to the casino. No one is playing anything today, and at midnight everyone goes nuts and starts betting again. The casino, being so appreciative of this, hands out free champagne to everyone! Cheers!

Finally September!

I’m just kidding, I know it’s October 1st. I think it’s funny how I kept thinking it was a month earlier than it was. Someone sent me an email that said, “OK, time goes fast, I get it.” So enough of that. The thing is, I really DID think it was a month earlier than it was. But now I’m pretty much on top of things again, now that cooler weather is here. Plus, I quit smoking pot. I really love October, actually. I think it’s my favorite month of the year.

I went for a long bike ride this morning, barely avoiding the marathon and like 10,000 crazy runners. It’s the biggest marathon in the world, and in fact, the marathon originated here. The original word for marathon and Milwaukee were in fact the same native American word, but each was changed over time, by Germans and Olympians, respectively. I learned this at the Casino, at that little history museum off the lobby.

I rode my bike around the south side today, Bay View, St. Francis, etc. The streets down there just SPARKLE, but not because they’re clean. It’s because there is so much broken glass on them. It’s apparently still a major source of entertainment in that part of town, throwing beer bottles out of car windows. They need a movie theater!

I had a fine breakfast at the Bay View Diner, where my favorite potatoes in town reside. Their home fries (I refuse to say “American fries) with onions are the best in town. Today, I also had the weekend special, a Butters Fetting Omelette. It was smoky, caramelized, reduced, and had three unrelated cheeses bubbling up. Quite a creation. Unfortunately, today was the last day of their experimental new American hybrid fusion menu, and tomorrow at 5 am they are going back to greasy spoon.